What if My Parent Didn't Go To Prison...? Reflections on Parental Incarceration and Substance Use
- Starling's Peers
- Aug 10
- 4 min read
'Maybe if drug possession wasn’t illegal,
my dad wouldn’t have spent so much time in jail,
and maybe he would have gotten support' .
-Starlings Peer
Content warning: parental substance and incarceration (imprisonment).
At Starlings, we often hear the “maybe ifs” and “what ifs” from peers who have, or had, a parent struggling with substance use & incarceration. Some remember believing it is their fault, a belief that grows as they do. Some are quietly grateful when their parent went to prison, told it was a place for getting help, for getting better, and trusting they will. But as we grow and learn and start to listen to our inner voices, the questions shift. We begin to wonder: what would have been different if support had come instead of punishment?
Growing up with a parent who uses substances isn’t simple, and when they go to jail for their drug use, it becomes even more complicated. It’s like walking through a maze of contradictions. You love them deeply, and you fear for them constantly. You love them deeply, but are full of anger and sadness towards them. You hope they’ll come home better, but you’re never sure what “better” will look like, or if it will happen at all.
The world tells young people stories about who their parents are and how they “should” exist. When a parent goes to prison, the story is usually about blame, punishment, and consequences, so it’s the story we end up telling ourselves, too. Sometimes that story sounds like: “They must deserve this,” or “Maybe they’re a bad person,” or even “If they really loved me, they wouldn’t be here.”
When a parent struggles with addiction, the story is often about treatment and recovery, so again, it becomes the story we tell ourselves. That story might be: “They’ll go to rehab and come back fixed,” or “If they just try harder, they can stop.”
When both of those stories collide, prison because of substance use, we live in a reality where love and hope have to exist alongside fear of the law, and fear of what will happen to them inside and once they are out.
August 10, today, is Prisoners Justice Day, a day to remember people who have died in prison and to stand for the rights and dignity of those still inside, many who are there because of drug use or other related charges. For those of us who have lived with both a parent’s addiction and their incarceration, it can also be a day to challenge the stories we were told, and the ones we told ourselves, about what “better” means, and what our families need.
It can be about protecting their right, and ours, to know the truth about who they are and why they are there, truth that is honest, free from shame, and rooted in our love for them, and for ourselves. It can be about making sure they get what they need, so that we can get what we need too: our parents.
At its simplest, it can be about reflecting on how these experiences have impacted us, and find a community that can we can join and feel supported and understood in.
Want to connect your story to lead change? Learn about Starlings Free Peer Empowerment Mentorship Program here: https://www.starlings.ca/peer-empowerment-mentorship where we connect our stories to lead change, whether that change is simply for you, for your family, or society as a whole.
Sharing openly can feel like handing strangers the power to judge our families, or even to take more from us. It can mean risking being misunderstood, or 'being on the other side', beliefs that keep these stories silenced. But we also know that in safe, supportive spaces, telling our true stories can loosen shame’s grip and make room for change, for listening to each other, and to ourselves. Every time a young person chooses to speak their truth, they’re not only reclaiming their voice, they’re pushing back against the fear that keeps so many silent, creating a path for others to share and heal as they do.
So if you are growing up with a parent who is in and out of jail and struggling with an addiction, or have lost a parent while they were in prison or shortly after release, something way too common, know this: it is not your fault. Know that they love you, even if others say they don’t. Know that your anger is valid when you wonder, what if they got support instead? On this day, and every day, that question matters.
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Some resources that we creatted to help feel our feelings and reflect on our stories:
As a peer (someone with lived experience) check out our peer to peer resource page found here:https://www.starlings.ca/why-parental-addiction
As a peer, if you want to use your story to advocate, check our our children's rights team here: https://www.starlings.ca/childrens-rights
As a peer, if you want to reflect on and learn to share your story, whether it is quietly or loudly, check out our free Peer Mentorship program here: https://www.starlings.ca/peer-empowerment-mentorship
As a caregiver, if you want help finding or navigating resources and stories to support the youth in your life, booka 1:1 session with us and check out our resources here: https://www.starlings.ca/support-for-young-caregivers
Some additional resources for young people and the family who supports them:
For children:
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